We must talk about sex

Skriv ut

SKR likes #talkaboutit. When many people “talk about it”, power structures become apparent. We can then lessen feelings of guilt and shame and discuss the norms relating to gender and sexuality which follow us all the way into the bedroom.

Every day, staff and volunteers at women’s shelters and young girls’ empowerment centres meet people who have been subjected to acts of sexual assault and rape which are perceived as being in a grey area. Sometimes they are expressions of a constant mental, physical and sexual violence in a steady relationship. But they may also be something which happened with an acquaintance at a party after initial mutual consent – or in a steady relationship which is otherwise free from violence and assault.

Many stories, mainly those which reach the young girls’ empowerment centres, are similar to those described in Talk about it. They often describe an isolated assault which leaves its mark on the individual’s sexuality. The overall collective perception of sexual assault leaves its mark on society and on our attitudes towards women, men, power and sex.

The most important thing for the centres is to counter the sense of guilt and shame a woman often feels over what she has been subjected to. Many women realise that they have been the victims of an assault, but they also know that their story will be met with ridicule, scepticism and accusations of blame.

The women and young girls who contact us are often unsure about their right and ability to set limits; by “right” we mean not only the right by law, but also the right given by those around them – friends, family, people they know, their boyfriend or girlfriend and even themselves. The people involved know that lines have been crossed, or they would not describe the situation as a grey area. In many cases, the act of assault is also an act of rape, according to the law. But the silence makes it difficult to talk about it to others. The silence prevents healing and makes the destructive power structures and norms invisible.

It is up to each of us to ensure that having sex feels right for everyone involved before, during and afterwards. Talk about it. shows, as does the experience of women’s shelters and young girls’ empowerment centres, that many people are afraid of being seen as being difficult, or of making the situation worse. For this reason, it is important to understand your sexual partner’s signals. Everything that follows a no, and also everything that takes place before consent is clearly given, is an act of assault. We must work hard to make sure that guilt and the fear of being seen as difficult do not prevent us from exercising our self-evident right to say stop when sex does not feel right. This applies to girls and boys, women and men. We cannot bring about change unless we talk about it!

Olga Persson, Secretary-General

The Swedish Association of Women’s Shelters and Young Women’s Empowerment Centres, SKR

2011-01-14

#talkaboutit
In connection with a discussion regarding the media coverage of the Assange case, Swedish journalist Johanna Koljonen started to tweet, openly and intimately, about her own experiences of drawing lines and negotiating grey areas in sexual situations. Hundreds of people followed Koljonen’s example on Twitter under the hashtag #prataomdet (”#talkaboutit”). As a result, several Swedish magazines, newspapers and other media outlets are publishing articles on the subject. In a matter of days, international media, such as The Guardian, Die Welt, BBC World Service, Norway’s Dagbladet, Finland’s Helsingin Sanomat, and others have followed suit.